This is my daughter and her family..
I can’t begin to tell you how much I love each and everyone in this picture. Did I always think I would feel this way….no.
I want to share my story with you because I would like to think that it might help someone else from making the same mistakes that I have made.
It all started when my daughter was in middle school…she came home from youth group and asked me if it’s ok to date a black guy. Since she was too young to date I wasn’t really concerned, but I was curious what sparked the question.
At the time I was really proud of my answer….I told her that it would be fine as long as he was an awesome Christian. I really thought at the time I believed that but of course I knew it was not something I would ever have to deal with. We live in a small town with a VERY small group of minorities. What were the chances?
The years went by from that question and her friendship grew with this boy that had caught her attention so long ago. They never really dated in high school…they didn’t even go to the same college yet know matter how many guys she dated none of them could come close to her black friend . By this time I knew that her heart was drawn to him and I did everything in my power to stop it. Was he a Christian like I had said…yes. He even came from an awesome Christian family.
The truth was I had lied to my daughter. It wasn’t ok.
Years of prejudice came up from areas that I didn’t know were in me. I don’t think I ever really thought of myself as better than a black person but I just really thought that it was best if we all married our own kind. What would people think? What would her children look like?
During this time my now son in law was patient. He loved my daughter but he was going to wait until he had our blessing before he married her. We are talking years.
We now love our son in law.
So what lessons can be learned from all this?
1. I still think my initial answer to my daughter was a good one….what matters above all is the man’s relationship with God.
2. If you are dating a person of a different color don’t hide him from your family. My daughter did this and so my mom radar went up. If she wasn’t bringing him around he must be bad. I would have thought that no matter what color he was. If she had brought him by sooner we would have been able to get to know him for who is …not “the black guy”
3. If someone you love is dating someone of a different race try to get to know them…and their family. When you do you might find out that you have a lot more in common than you think. You might find out that they aren’t too happy about the situation either…and then all of a sudden you will be upset about them judging your child for their color not for who they are…and then you might pause and be ashamed of yourself.
4. Pray….ask God to open your heart. I remember God telling me that this guy is going to take care of me in my old age…I just about screamed at God…NO…that was not the answer I wanted…yet He kept telling me the same thing. It’s funny because now I feel great comfort having him in the family because I know he would take great care of me if he had to.
I grew up in the 60 and 70′s…Did I call my brother the N word when I got mad at him? Yes…everyone I knew did. Did I have black friends at school? yes…Did I ever go to any of their houses…no.
I say dumb things…not because I want to hurt anyone…I just don’t always realize what I’m saying. I have asked my son in law to be patient with me but I guess he was been learning to be patient ever since my daughter flashed her big brown eyes his direction.
I now look at my grandchildren and I don’t see them as black or white…
They are the color of love…
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brave and inspiring post.
Your smile says it all in your photo with your grandchildren! What a lovely post to read. Thank you for your honesty about this. I once befriended a young black man in high school but (because I grew up in the same time era … impossible) knew we could never be more than classmates. I love your posts – keep being you!
Thanks for being so honest and sharing your story. What an inspiration to all of us. And you are so right – the most important part is the person’s relationship to Jesus Christ and what He did on the cross for us.
Thank you for being honest, but I have to disagree with you #1 item. A person can be an “awesome” Christian, but still be an abuser. I would prefer to say “as long as he treats you & everyone around him with love & respect, then that is the most important thing…
Kathy I would agree…..many “Christians” fall short. By awesome I think of someone that is more than just a Christian by name….I mean someone that has the heart of Jesus. One that is lead by the Holy Spirt…one thats actions are Christ like…one with a servents heart.
Loved this post and your ability to open your heart….appears to be the heart of God. I truly believe this would be a better world if we could all see the color of love the way you’ve expressed it here. This is beautiful and your family is blessed to have you.
Diane,
Thank you. My daughter, whom I love and cherish, also found her true love in a person of color. ( I dislike even using that phrase, because my son-in-law is so much more than a label.) I trusted my daughter’s judgement and knew that love is not be limited to the color of our skin. He is such a good person and he has made our family a better family. Together they have given me my first grandchild whom I love with an intensity that I never expected to feel again in my life, after the birth of my own children. What I didn’t expect and was caught completely off guard by was the apparently deep seated yearning I had within me to see a bit of my daughter reflected in my grandchild. However, my grandchild so resembles my son-in-law and not my daughter. It bothers me that I feel any sense of “loss” over this. It is as if it is coming from a biological need and not a place of reason. Can anyone else identify with this?
Isn’t being a grandparent amazing Terry?! I never knew that my heart had so much love stored up in it to give to someone. I understand what you are saying about wanting to see your child in your grandchild. With the first I too went thru some of that….he looks just like his dad. But my grand daughter looks like the black version of my daughter. I think when children are babies we want to see the comparisons but as they grow they just become themselves….a beautiful mixture of two parents that came together in love. And that is soooo exciting! Enjoy…
Thanks Diane. I really appreciate your thoughts on this and your perspective as a grandmother of three. Our second grandchild will be here in just a few months!
A beautiful family that is filled with love.
Denise
My son dated several women both Black and White – all very nice before he got married. My oldest daughter married a Black man who started out great but morphed into an “I teach/coach all day so I do nothing but lie on the couch when I get home guy.” My daughter will graduate from college in August(doctors degree this time) works 2 part time jobs and takes care of the house as well as my 6 year old grand daughter. He is a church going educated creaton and she is devoicing him – not what she wanted but that is the reality of it! My youngest daughter dated several awsome guys while in college-Black, Hispanic, Asian and then a guy that when off to Iraq the month after they started seeing each other 10 years ago. They have been married now for nearly 3 years. He is very respectful, loving, honest, a good provider and comes from a really great family. My “only” concern was how HIS family would react to HER. If you google a picture of the actor Josh Duhamel, you can see what he looks like – just knock 10 years off of the age. My daughter is Monika Stewart and was crowned Miss Texas International 2007 and is the color of a HERSEY BAR! Our families have merged and we get together on birthdays, holidays, weddings and any other time we can even though they live in another city. I was afraid for the reaction that I thought my daughter would get from his family. They thought she was beautiful! We as mothers want to protect our children but sometimes that protection forces us to look within our own hearts for courage, love and sanity! Both famlies are please to know that God willing, they will grow old together. Thank you for sharing your story (heart) with us. Love and peace to you and yours!
Found your post through a friend’s FB share and had to add my comment to the above—great to read a heartfelt and honest post about something that I am sure is dear to more folks hearts than you can imagine. My sons, neither one married yet, have both dated girls of different races than our own and honestly I have been surprised at how I have embraced that fact. They may not marry a “white” girl and I am perfectly fine with that because when it is all said and done I want for them what you wanted for your daughter—a Christian who loves them unconditionally and who makes them as happy as their dad has made me for over 30 years. It is hard to own up to our prejudices and biases but once I have recognized them for what they are I am able to work on making changes. Your grandbabies are adorable and I am so glad to have run across your post today –gave me something to think about and be thankful for!
Thank you Beth for sharing….it’s exciting to see how God refine us when we allow Him
I lost my nearest and dearest friend because of prejudices I didn’t believe I had against black people. And this was just in 1992. We were in high school and she said she wanted to date a black boy. I told her if she did, I would stop speaking to her. She said “Are you THAT prejudice?” and my response was “No, I’m not prejudice at all!”. And she did date him and I did stop talking to her. I didn’t speak to her for the rest of high school. Not one word. She had been my ‘BFF’ from 5th grade until 10th grade and I cut her out of my life completely.
Unfortunately, this was learned behavior from my parents, whom I didn’t think were prejudice either. But in some small way, their upbringing stuck with them and I was taught that it was “best if we [dated] our own kind” too.
I name that story (of which I remember every detail to this day) as my most regretted decision in my life.
I say all that to say…thank you for sharing your story. I hope the prejudices I grew up learning are something I have grown out of and that I can teach my daughter that she can date whomever as long as they love the Lord and treat her well. (I’ve actually been following Callie’s blog for years and would very much like to arrange a marriage between my daughter and the Mini Athlete LOL!)
Again, thank you for being honest and sharing.
As we get older we often regret friendships that we let slip away…I would suggest you write your friend and tell her what you told me…she may not be in the place to forgive you yet but at least you have opened the door so when she is ready she knows that you will be there with open arms. Thank you for sharing.
Terry,
I have adopted grandchildren who couldn’t be more like us if they were biological. As your grandchild grows you will see you daughter and well as your son in-law as it is not only our looks your looking for it is our smiles and mannerisms that will be there .
Thank you, Gayle. Such a good point you have made.
I am close to your daughter’s age with two beautiful, young boys who are also half African American/black ( I am white & Mexican myself ). I come from such a diverse area here in the San Francicso bay area that I tend to forget that it’s not always the same elsewhere. I commend you for being so open and honest. Great post
What a beautiful and honest post!